Beautiful

I don't remember the first time I had heard a lie, but I know I believed it. I do remember the first time I knew I heard a lie, "you're beautiful". I remember my face turned sour, no one had ever said that to me, little ol' me. After absorbing the lie... I liked it, I wanted. No... Needed more. I started dressing like all the other girls, wearing a little mascara and skipping homework once a week... Okay more like once a day... But I had to compromise for the time I spent working out and putting on make up. When I didn't hear the lies I knew I had to do more, eye liner, tighter shirts and shorter shorts came into the picture, and so did 2 truths, "racy" and "stupid". I still didn't hear the lies. My ears craved it and my mind ached for it. I started talking to boys. I still thought they were gross. But I just wanted the lie, "you're beautiful". Boys started to notice me and inviting me to parties and when I went to the parties all the boys would sit around me, offering me drinks. Thinking it would get me the two simple words I drank 1, 2, 3 cups and still no lie. After i was to dizzy to thinking and to drunk to talk right a boy would come closer than all the others were and take me to a dark room. I think that I don't want to, I'm to sick and that I'm not ready. But my mouth won't say no when my mind says "this will get the 2 words, this will do it." After it's done, still no words. It had to be my fault, "I did something wrong" was the only thing I could think of as tears would burst out and run down my face. I worked harder, had more drinks, had more dark rooms that I offered to go into and still no lies; just a new truth, "slut". I hated myself, what was I doing wrong? I decided it had to be my friends that was holding me back. So I stabbed theirs, calling theme very nasty word I could think of, without even flinching a single lash. I didn't care, and that's when the truth of "backstabber" came to be. After I ditched them I started talking to the girls everyone says are beautiful, praying I would get the same treatment if I was their friend. I became their friend and talking like them and my "potty" mouth grew in the number of flushes. Still neither of the 2 simple words. A new truth surfaced, still 2 words I guess, "Unlady-like". I still wasn't good enough for it. I starved myself until I was skinny like all the other girls, my body was eating itself and I didn't care. I knew I would get the lie now, "you're beautiful". After coming home after yet another month of not hearing what I wanted to hear but just another truth of "anorexic". I finally looked in the mirror... Actually looking at myself for the first time since I had first ever heard the lie. My eyes were dull; cloudy as a gloomy day. The green eyes that once brightened up at the sight of a cake or a carton of strawberries was no longer in existance, not even a trace that it ever was. My lon blonde hair was still long, in some places. The other places there was no hair at all, maybe one or two of the greasy, stringy strand of glass like hair. My once long, strong, thick red painted nails were brittle and down to the very nub that was. While seeing this monster I had become and created I realized why I never heard the lie. It wasn't a lie. I once was beautiful, I once was a person, I once had thoughts, I once had real friends, I once liked who I was. I was a beautiful, confident, innocent girl who ate. I had traded my beauty for what I thought everyone like. I now know no one likes those kind of "beautiful" girls. They like the girls with beauty within that shines out. I am beautiful. I started eating the cake and strawberries I had been craving for, for months, I regained my strong green eyes, letting people back into the direly needed help soul, and it was beautiful. My hair grew, silky, long and beautiful. My nails lengthened back into the long almost fake looking nails everyone was once jealous of and I painted them red and they were beautiful; the truth "anorexic" was now a lie. I came out of the dark rooms and came out of the parries, un-touched, and sober and it was beautiful. The truth "slut" was now a lie. I stopped saying the F word after every sentence and calling every girl in the hall, even if I didn't know them a "bitch", the truth "unlady-like" was now a lie and I talked beautifully. I dropped the grils who were never friends and picked up the old ones out of the muddy ditch I threw them in and left for dead. The truth "backstabber" was now a lie. And my friends were beautiful. I picked myself out of the mucky, swampy filth I used to call my "beautiful life", it was anything but. I wore clothes for comfort, for myself, not for anyone else. The Truth "racy" was now a lie and my clothes were beautiful. I stopped caring what others thought of me, I picked up a book instead of a stick of eyeliner in the morning. I got straight A's and the truth "stupid" was now a lie because my mind was and forever will be, beautiful. It was a long road to find the journey of who I truly am. But I made it, stronger and in one piece. Don't let anyone fool you, you are beautiful in every single way. You are a strong, confident, smart, innocent, healthy and beautiful girl inside and out.